“‘The time has come, the Walrus said,
To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—
Of cabbages—and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot—
And whether pigs have wings.’"
-Alice in Wonderland
When I was kid we lived out in the sticks and only had a used VCR with a handful of tapes that my grandfather had recorded from his cable channels. Several of those tapes had been recorded over his old porn movies, something we did not discover until middle school. That is a story for another time. One of the kid-friendly movies he had recorded for us was Alice in Wonderland. I must have watched that movie 500 times.
The time has come to talk of many things…At least that is what I should have written when I pushed the pause button on this blog in 2015. I loved writing it, and I’m not sure why I stopped now. Except that life was complicated and I had a two, a seven, and a ten-year-old I was trying desperately to care for while navigating chronic pain and chronic financial struggle with very little extended family support. I think of myself back then, and I want to give that young woman a huge hug and hold her hand and listen to all she was struggling with…the guilt, the trials, the pain, the feelings of inadequacy, the longing to do something great, the struggle to just survive the day, and the regret.
I have thought of this blog many times in the last 10 years. Few people read my blog back then, but that wasn't really why I was doing it. I wrote it because I needed a space to have a voice. I needed to feel like my perspective was being seen. I needed to see that I still had a place for me and that I still had something unique to offer the world.
I am now teaching kindergarten, and I find I have so many stories flowing out of my heart, and I have people who want to hear them. I have a married son going into the Air Force, a son in college studying to be an Engineer, and a son in 8th grade with dreams of his own. All of them have asked me to finish the stories I started when they were young. I also have students who look at me in complete mesmerization when I tell them a story I’ve concocted for them. Then say things like, “I hope you are going to make this story into an audiobook for me,” with true sincerity and excitement. How can I say no?
There are very few moments when teaching 22 squirrely kindergarteners that you have everyone’s full attention. I find it’s nearly always when I’m telling a story. Not reading a story, but telling one. There is a difference. My soul is in its happy place, watching those faces.
I am a writer who needs an audience in order to write. Or at least I need to believe I have one, even if it is a fictional one. If I am ever stuck on a deserted island by myself, I think I will "start a podcast" with a coconut audience and a palm tree for my camera. This is how I'll stay sane. I can’t write to the great oblivion. I need specifics. I need to feel like I am connecting with another human soul.
As I turn half a century old in five days, and am finally operating in a space with much less pain, I desire to live life in a way I couldn’t before. I have a small window of time with significantly less pain (as my doctors tell me that after 60, things will get bad again). I do not want to waste these moments. It’s now or never, but if the doctors happen to be wrong, I’ll happily take whatever extra I get. In the meantime, I want to seize my opportunity. I want to be disciplined enough to write all the things on my heart and in my head. I want to leave a legacy of thoughts for my kids, grandkids, and students.
I am compelled to take up this blog and write again. It has patiently waited for me all of these years.
So, the time has come, once again, for me to talk of many things…of shoes and ships and sealing wax…of cabbages and kings…doesn’t that sound delightful?
Kristen
